Review of It Follows

Saw David Robert Mitchell’s “It Follows” on Netflix last night. It’s a horror mystery from 2014, but somehow it slipped past me. Having seen it now, I have to say that it is probably one of the most underrated movies ever made. Now, in all fairness if they had advertised the crap out of it (like they did with Prometheus) and I went to the movies to see it, I would have probably come out going like “it was ok..”. But since I’ve never heard of it before, much less seen a commercial or a trailer, I was blown away.

“It Follows” is about a very particular kind of STD, a kind of curse or a demon or a ghost thingie that got transferred onto the person you had sex with, thereby leaving you alone (they didn’t clarify whether or not it had to be unprotected sex). But if the demon would then kill that person, it would go after you again, so it has to be passed on and on. Trust me, I know how it sounds… But once the suspension of disbelief kicks in, oh boy oh boy… Because after 1 second of going “pfff that’s stupid”, I spent the rest of the movie being scared out of my pants. That’s a hyperbole, but you get the point. That movie was truly genuinely scary. Everything was done so subtly, and all the key components (music, lighting, mood, acting) were so seamlessly woven together to create a this feeling of, for the lack of a better word, nostalgia. I call it “cozy despair”. It’s this feeling you get when you are experiencing a generally negative emotion (like fear) but somehow it elicits a warmth within you.

I don’t want to spoil the movie too much, because unlike many other horror movies when you can see the plot twist a mile away, and you know in the beginning who’s gonna live and who’s gonna die and who the bad guy is, this movie does keep you in a state of suspense and you really don’t know where it is going at any given time.

But I do have to say one last thing: if you are going to pass the curse along, make sure to bang someone hot because otherwise you’ll be condemning the poor sucker to certain death, plus if he dies, the demon will come after you.

 

JGHOW reviews M. Night Shyamalan’s Split (contains spoilers)

Disclaimer: I actually had to google how to spell M. Night Shyamalan when writing the title of this post. It should be made into a question in Trivial Pursuit, if it isn’t already.

“How do you spell the name of the director of The 6th Sense?
A. M. Night Shamalayn
B. M. Night Shaymalan
C. M. Night Shyamalan
D. M. Night Shyamalayn”
You’re welcome, Trivial Pursuit!

So, I went to see Split yesterday. I had recently expressed the sentiment that it seems impossible to find a good scary movie nowadays, since my suspension of disbelief can’t handle the modern takes on what consitutes “scary”, so everything I watch is either boring, not scary, or stupid, or all of the above. And I have to say that Split was refreshing; it was well-written and well-executed, and it really made you think, and filled you with the kind of gut-wrenching existensial angst that you really can’t do without on a Saturday night. It had just one minor itsy-bitsy flaw. I don’t know if you could even call it a flaw. It was the small matter of it not living up to one tiny criteria (I am not sure if it is the movie’s fault, or IMDB’s fault): namely, that it could in no way, shape or form be categorized as a horror movie. IMDB said genre was “Horror, Thriller”. It was definitely a thriller, but it was no horror. That was my main beef with the movie.

The plot revolves around a mentally-deranged man in his thirties (James McAvoy). People who read the synopsis prior going to the cinema to see the movie (a.k.a. 99,4% of the people*)  know that he has multiple personalities (23 to be precise). 23 would have been a better title, but there is already a movie called that, and there is also a movie called “The number 23”, and there are only so many iterations you could make. Although, I suppose they could have called it 7×3+2.

The movie starts out with him kidnapping three high-school students with the help of some chloroform and carjacking their… car…  He takes them to some abandoned Fight Club style-looking building where he keeps them in a room all the while dropping hints about some person called “The Beast” that is supposed to show up later and kill them all. For some unfathomable reason, the three girls don’t just fly on him and kick the living crap out of him, even though they are not tied up or anything, and even though one of the girls suggests it. But the main character is too chicken or maybe she has a death wish, so she refuses to help, telling the girls that he can knock them out in one punch. So what, glass-chin?? Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try. One shot to the balls, then thai-clinch and knee him in the orbital. That’ll shatter it and it also is the kind of move that will make you forget about your horrible childhood, and maybe would have made him drop like 5 or 6 personalities. I know women are not as physically strong as men, but there’s three of you! God damn it… Still makes me mad… Ok breathe… Anyway where was I.. Oh yeah, knee to the orbital, then you tie him up, lock him in a room, and take your sweet time to find the way out or a phone so you can call the police and they can triangulate the call, or whatever it is they do. But of course that doesn’t happen.

I am not going to give away anything else, just wanted to say that the main character is your typical damsel in distress, and the movie is not scary in the horror sense. But overall it was still pretty entertaining and James McAvoy is a rather good actor. Good on him that he didn’t let that god awful “Wanted” ruin his career!

So, if you absolutely must see James McAvoys pecks on the big screen, go see Split in the cinema. But if you expect it to be scary, sorry to let you down, it is not scary, and there will be no people screaming in the theater or walking out, or doing any of the other good stuff that makes you want to watch horror flicks in the cinema. So just wait for the DVD.

And here are a few honorable mentions: M. Night Shyamalan makes an appearance and talks about Hooters being a good place.

*Haha jk I don’t have any sources for any of my claims

Bridget Jones’s baby trailer is super weird rant

Today I saw the trailer for Bridget Jones’s Baby movie. It looks weird. It has Patrick Dempsey and Colin Firth in it. I never saw the other Bridget Jones movies, but from the trailer it was apparent that she used to be together with Colin Firth and then they broke up, and a few years later she started seeing Patrick Dempsey. And then she met Colin Firth again and they had sex. While she was dating Patrick Dempsey. And then just like that, we get to know that she is pregnant, and she doesn’t know who the father is. And here is the weird part: both Colin Firth and Patrick Dempsey are like “It’s my baby!” so they all start taking care of Bridget Jones and competing for her.

I don’t get that. If that was me, I would be like “You’re a whore, f*ck off with your whore baby” Like, in the real world, wouldn’t both men have walked away? Especially the new guy. Like oh how nice, she slept with her ex and now she is pregnant but I hope the baby is mine coz I still totally want to be together with her. How? Does he want a kid that bad?

Like I can sort of understand the Colin Firth character, coz they used to be in love and maybe he never really got over her, and is happy to reconnect. But the new guy? What is he thinking, sticking his head into that wasp nest? He obviously can’t trust her, he is dating her and BAM! just like that she bangs her ex, and he’s like oh well ok, that didn’t totally just happen. And if he is acting like that, then I don’t understand how Bridget Jones totally doesn’t just go dude you’re so pathetic..

When I date guys, I like to administer the “crazy test”. This is actually a really good tactic, to thin out the herd and weed out the weaklings. What you do is insult the guy right out of the gate. BOOM! Now you got his attention. Then you say a bunch of weird shit (not too outrageous, you can’t be racist or stupid, just be weird). Then you wait and see if they try to contact you. If they do, they are inferior human beings with no self-respect and you just move on safely knowing that the beta is strong within them. If they don’t, you wait a while until they have had time to forget all about the crazy shit, and you contact them. Obviously it assumes that the guy was somewhat interested when he saw you first. Anyway, I digress.

Point is, I am not buying this movie’s premise, so I am not going to go and see it. But if I have to guess the ending, it will probably be that the baby is neither of theirs and Bridget is a super slut coz she also slept with that first guy, and it is his sociopathic baby!! I haven’t seen the movies but I know there was some dickhole she was dating and she was choosing between Colin Firth and him, and that he was just a total cocksock, Hugh Grant I believe his name was.. Yeah so it is going to turn out to be his baby, and he is gonna go “get the hell outta here with your whore baby!!” and she’s gonna see who makes more money out of Colin Firth and Patrick Dempsey and just shack up with whoever makes more money. And he is going to turn out to be a serial rapist and a wife beater, and also a closet homosexual and is going to leave her for the cocksock guy. And then she’s going to go back to her other option but by that time he is banging someone else so she’s going to end up as a single mother. The End.